The Biggest Spider In Ever (Araneus gemmoides)

I was out in the yard playing fetch with the dogs, when suddenly a large, ominous shape…slowly creeping up the beige siding of my house…caught my attention.   Holy jeezum crow: the biggest fracking spider I’d ever seen.

I did what any self-respecting entomologist would do: I wrung my hands and hopped from one foot to the other, doing the Holy-Heebie-Jeebies-Icky-Icky-Spider Dance.

Erm.

I mean, I did what any self-respecting entomologist would do: I scooped it up with the two-foot-long tennis ball-launcher I was holding and walked it, arm’s length, into some sunlight, with half a mind to take some pictures.

Eh.  Heh. 

I mean…oh, I’ll just say it: it creeped me right the heck out.  You guys know I’m not a huge fan of spiders, and this was a DOOZY. 

It was cold and not moving too much, but I coaxed it onto a leaf.  It sat:

Then dangled:

Then it crawled back up, started moving towards the petiole I was holding…and suddenly the leaf was not nearly big enough. Not even REMOTELY big enough.  I scampered over to the garden and deposited it on some autumn-browned flowers:

It sat and looked spider-ey and bristle-ey.

It occurred to me that closeup photographs would probably not capture the true bulk of this impressive creature.  I needed something in the images for scale.  I tried a tennis ball…lens cap…another leaf…nothing looked quite right. 

So I did what any self-respecting entomologist would do: I ALLOWED THE GIANT SPIDER TO CRAWL ONTO MY HAND. 

My fingers are apparently trying to flee from the rest of my hand.

I quaked and thought of those giant chelicerae and swore I would never in a million billion years touch another arachnid so help me god if it bit me.  I wondered if spiders were like dogs…if they could be whipped into a snarling, vicious frenzy if they so much as caught a whiff of fear.

It walked some more.

O Halp.

And then it started thinking about walking up my sweater.

AAAK!!!

*End photo shoot*

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(No spiders were harmed in the making of this post, although the human was visibly trembling by the end.) 

(And, ok, so maybe this isn’t the biggest spider in EVER, but it is pretty darned humongous.  I need to spend a little time IDing it…anyone recognize this ferocious man-eater?)

Even arachnophobes can take spider pictures

So there.*

Jumping Spider (Salticidae)

I swear it’s looking straight at me with great deliberateness.  But it is cute.  So it can continue looking.

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(*Although this type of spider is clearly on the list of those that are Not Gross and Creepy, so maybe it doesn’t count.)

It’s pretty as long as it’s not biting me

I have to admit: this Deer Fly (more commonly known as a Get The @#$% Away From Me You @#$% Fly) was pretty.  It was feeding on the nectar of these tiny Spirea blossoms (I’m pretty sure I could spend all day hanging around this one bush and find a gazillion different species).  With its patterned wings, face dusted in yellow pollen, and rainbow-hued compound eyes, it was a pleasure to watch.

Chrysops sp. (Tabanidae)

Equally lovely, this little face peeking out from between the blooms was incredibly well camouflaged:

Misumenops celer - Celer crab spider (Thomisidae)

I only noticed it after it shifted a little when my finger (which was poking a mosquito carcass) got too close for comfort.  During my various ew-yucky-spider rants, I fear I neglected to include Crab Spiders on my (short) list of Spiders That Are Not Gross and Creepy.  I think it’s their calm, patient demeanor and beautiful cryptic coloration that I admire and appreciate.

A sunlit spider

A spider of, I think, the family Tetragnathidae: the long-jawed orb weavers.  I’m basing this primarily on very basic morphology as well as behaviour I observed…at one point, it rested by flattening itself on the branch, extending its long, slender legs both anteriorly and posteriorly.   This behaviour is apparently common to the family.  Pretty, delicate and quite active on this warm(ish), sunny day.

Edited to add: Spider guy in my lab confirmed it as a Tetragnathid!